The closest-I-can-get-to-a-gun rests in my pocket.
My closest-I-can-get-to-spurs ring a dull woody tile noise, and I do my best to stomp into my
Something-like-a-saloon.
There's a so-far-from-a-friend-that-he-must-be-foe slicked forward in a chair, and he watches
my hand jerk forward and
Click, Clang: it lands on the shoulder of his heart to twirl her around, and she smiles like a silly bird.
Oh! the blood. Rivers and pools in the desert that was his closest-I-can-get-to-a-jungle before I showed.
That is the closest I will come to Life or Death.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Ladys and Gentlemans
The wait is over, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Here and now you will be cured
A cloud or three is what you need
Then you’ll be freed
from the low down trampled chess
matches striking dry to wet slow sloppy start and sputter
clean, then. Now you try it.
Grate, grind, slide, slip, glide, rise, and reach
Rumble and preach
To the birds of the street that
You are not hungry
You are not tired
You are not bored
You are not what you were.
Step the steps that drag you out.
Hands bound - face down
Catch your train; I’ll catch mine,
And we’ll meet back to back
Behind Pergamus, burning.
Here and now you will be cured
A cloud or three is what you need
Then you’ll be freed
from the low down trampled chess
matches striking dry to wet slow sloppy start and sputter
clean, then. Now you try it.
Grate, grind, slide, slip, glide, rise, and reach
Rumble and preach
To the birds of the street that
You are not hungry
You are not tired
You are not bored
You are not what you were.
Step the steps that drag you out.
Hands bound - face down
Catch your train; I’ll catch mine,
And we’ll meet back to back
Behind Pergamus, burning.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Blackout
It's a typical Sunday afternoon. Breakfast feels like an underwater three-legged race. I waited until I could dress it in lunch's clothes and smuggle it past the sentries that would otherwise dutifully and forcefully reject it. The smells of the previous night's wanderings (basil and old chair) lay claim to my body, confident that they will not be challenged by soap and water until late in the afternoon. I work at that task that most honestly reminds me of my servitude to the man: The lab report. The tables turn at 2:25. My screen dims, my speakers turn off, and the hall goes dark. These events are followed by shouts and clatter throughout the dorm. No Power! The man has lost his power! There could not be a more perfect illustration of the fragility of the status quo. I watch with elation as the minutes drop off my estimated battery life. 4 hours until salvation. 3.25 hours until salvation. .5 hours until salvation. .25...Fuck it (salvation).
As the sun sets, I watch the campus descend the ladder of beloved civilization. One rung after another, it carefully steps down, down. When we realize our direction, that we are being carried down, that fingers are not being pointed, we jump off the ladder and start digging a hole. The events of the night unfold inside that dark, lawless hole. Culpability is left some way up the ladder along with facial visibility. Identities change, merge, and disappear altogether. One by one, my schoolmates give up their loyalty to the absent tyrant as they lie down their books and pens for something different. The campus as a unified body and without hesitation reaches for nearby heavy blunt objects to repel the darkness: drugs, destruction, sex.
A phone conversation: "The power just went out so we're gonna start drinking right now! How awesome is that?...I know, right?!"
Sex sounds penetrate all four walls of my room (one is a 3rd story wall facing a parking lot); Candles are burned inside dorms; the glow sticks come out; the glow sticks are burned inside dorms (bad news); an emergency alert e-mail is sent warning that burning of candles inside dorms is extremely dangerous. After 45 minutes in the dark, I find myself staring at a flame from a bic lighter in a very small room surrounded by glow sticks and alarmingly sweaty clearly-asking-for-it non-faced girls.
This is my element. I am at home, as many of my peers are. These were the conditions under which we developed our human identity. Fire, dancing, sex, destruction. We instinctively reach for our natural selves: blunt, heavy objects.
As the sun sets, I watch the campus descend the ladder of beloved civilization. One rung after another, it carefully steps down, down. When we realize our direction, that we are being carried down, that fingers are not being pointed, we jump off the ladder and start digging a hole. The events of the night unfold inside that dark, lawless hole. Culpability is left some way up the ladder along with facial visibility. Identities change, merge, and disappear altogether. One by one, my schoolmates give up their loyalty to the absent tyrant as they lie down their books and pens for something different. The campus as a unified body and without hesitation reaches for nearby heavy blunt objects to repel the darkness: drugs, destruction, sex.
A phone conversation: "The power just went out so we're gonna start drinking right now! How awesome is that?...I know, right?!"
Sex sounds penetrate all four walls of my room (one is a 3rd story wall facing a parking lot); Candles are burned inside dorms; the glow sticks come out; the glow sticks are burned inside dorms (bad news); an emergency alert e-mail is sent warning that burning of candles inside dorms is extremely dangerous. After 45 minutes in the dark, I find myself staring at a flame from a bic lighter in a very small room surrounded by glow sticks and alarmingly sweaty clearly-asking-for-it non-faced girls.
This is my element. I am at home, as many of my peers are. These were the conditions under which we developed our human identity. Fire, dancing, sex, destruction. We instinctively reach for our natural selves: blunt, heavy objects.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Follow Through
A few years ago, someone that I thought was perfect told me that she wasn't. She asked what my greatest weakness was and told me what hers was. Her question caught me off guard. I had never taken time to think about my greatest weakness. I almost instantly knew what it was but couldn't put it into words for fear of setting that weakness firmly into my self-concept. I stalled for time, pushing her to answer first.
At the time, I didn't take her answer seriously. It seemed to me that she had waved a red cloth in a bulls face only to duck away from its horns and spear it from the side. She claimed that her greatest weakness was pride. That's the kind of answer I expected from a girl without fault. Pride is indeed a great weakness, as I know now, even if it is the only weakness a person possesses. The cowardly aggression of the ducking bullfighter drives him or her to exploit a bull, using a weapon to reduce threat. It is exactly this cowardly aggression that I completely missed my first time around.
My answer next. I said it before I could finish thinking about it. "Lack of commitment."
"Really? " she asked in a challenging is-that-so voice.
There are thousands of questions, theories, and arguments that end up in my head. Of these, hundreds consistently absorb my spare attention in the time just before sleep and just before waking, after I've run far enough to forget exhaustion and before I've run far enough to be reminded of exhaustion. Because these opportunities are short and infrequent, I've taught myself to immediately drop an idea from consciousness and return to it with undivided attention later.
#1 Society Is A Conscious Entity. Cell:Human::Human:Society. There is no reason to assume that society, governed by processes analogous to those governing the body of a "living" being is any less "conscious" than a human.
#2 Animals Are More Like Us Than Is Popularly Recognized. An image I saw today forced me to return to consideration of this statement. On the discovery channel, an elephant herd was shown trekking through an area of desert in which another elephant herd had recently been preyed on by lions. Elephant skeletons were clearly visible in the sand. The new herd slowed its pace, then stopped while two of the eldest detached from the herd to investigate. They stood side by side, sweeping their trunks over an elephant skull before them. That footage communicated more clearly than anything before that the mentality of these animals has been greatly misunderstood. Where do we draw the line between human and animal? Anthropologists have tried for decades to arbitrarily establish a border between our territory and that of the wild savages of the animal kingdom, but rational thought and science have denied that this is possible. WE ARE ANIMALS. Our use of language and tools does not change that fact. In many cases it simply amplifies our instinctive animal tendencies to dangerous levels.
#3 Why Are There Common Themes In Myths And Legends Across Almost All Cultures?/ When Did This Stuff Happen?/What Happened?/Why Do We Try To Remember? (Creation, Flood, Lost Continents, etc.)
#4 Life Is An Arbitrarily Defined State. There Is Far Less Difference Between Life And Death As Is Popularly Recognized. Consider a Virus. Living? Dead? WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE? This belief initially led me to believe that everything is dead, but as my cousin Michael put it, either nothing is sacred or everything is sacred.
#5 There Is No Fundamental Particle/The Universe is Limitless./Time is Limitless. This belief is based on a personal hunch. I do not claim to present any evidence supporting my argument. I believe that matter can be divided an infinite number of times into infinitely small particles. I also believe that SOMETHING extends infinitely outward, thus we will never discover an outward boundary of the Universe. I also believe that time extends infinitely into the past and into the future. By this I don't really mean that there could not be a beginning of time. I do mean that if there was a beginning of time, something MUST have come "before" that beginning, something must have given rise to that something, etc.
#6 Determinism- All Momentary Occurrences Are Necessarily Determined Entirely By The State Of All Things In The Moment Preceding.
I have just gloriously demonstrated my immense capacity for distraction. There are so many things to do think about and learn, which are equally inspiring to me, that I cannot begin to focus on ten, much less dedicate my life to one.
According to a book I began reading and never finished, entitled Aquarius Now, I do not commit to any one pursuit because I am afraid that I will succeed to the point of alienating others. That isn't how I think. My avoidance of commitment is in most situations simply an avoidance of a level of dedication that would seriously jeopardize my freedom to pursue what inspires me most at a given moment.
At the time, I didn't take her answer seriously. It seemed to me that she had waved a red cloth in a bulls face only to duck away from its horns and spear it from the side. She claimed that her greatest weakness was pride. That's the kind of answer I expected from a girl without fault. Pride is indeed a great weakness, as I know now, even if it is the only weakness a person possesses. The cowardly aggression of the ducking bullfighter drives him or her to exploit a bull, using a weapon to reduce threat. It is exactly this cowardly aggression that I completely missed my first time around.
My answer next. I said it before I could finish thinking about it. "Lack of commitment."
"Really? " she asked in a challenging is-that-so voice.
There are thousands of questions, theories, and arguments that end up in my head. Of these, hundreds consistently absorb my spare attention in the time just before sleep and just before waking, after I've run far enough to forget exhaustion and before I've run far enough to be reminded of exhaustion. Because these opportunities are short and infrequent, I've taught myself to immediately drop an idea from consciousness and return to it with undivided attention later.
#1 Society Is A Conscious Entity. Cell:Human::Human:Society. There is no reason to assume that society, governed by processes analogous to those governing the body of a "living" being is any less "conscious" than a human.
#2 Animals Are More Like Us Than Is Popularly Recognized. An image I saw today forced me to return to consideration of this statement. On the discovery channel, an elephant herd was shown trekking through an area of desert in which another elephant herd had recently been preyed on by lions. Elephant skeletons were clearly visible in the sand. The new herd slowed its pace, then stopped while two of the eldest detached from the herd to investigate. They stood side by side, sweeping their trunks over an elephant skull before them. That footage communicated more clearly than anything before that the mentality of these animals has been greatly misunderstood. Where do we draw the line between human and animal? Anthropologists have tried for decades to arbitrarily establish a border between our territory and that of the wild savages of the animal kingdom, but rational thought and science have denied that this is possible. WE ARE ANIMALS. Our use of language and tools does not change that fact. In many cases it simply amplifies our instinctive animal tendencies to dangerous levels.
#3 Why Are There Common Themes In Myths And Legends Across Almost All Cultures?/ When Did This Stuff Happen?/What Happened?/Why Do We Try To Remember? (Creation, Flood, Lost Continents, etc.)
#4 Life Is An Arbitrarily Defined State. There Is Far Less Difference Between Life And Death As Is Popularly Recognized. Consider a Virus. Living? Dead? WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE? This belief initially led me to believe that everything is dead, but as my cousin Michael put it, either nothing is sacred or everything is sacred.
#5 There Is No Fundamental Particle/The Universe is Limitless./Time is Limitless. This belief is based on a personal hunch. I do not claim to present any evidence supporting my argument. I believe that matter can be divided an infinite number of times into infinitely small particles. I also believe that SOMETHING extends infinitely outward, thus we will never discover an outward boundary of the Universe. I also believe that time extends infinitely into the past and into the future. By this I don't really mean that there could not be a beginning of time. I do mean that if there was a beginning of time, something MUST have come "before" that beginning, something must have given rise to that something, etc.
#6 Determinism- All Momentary Occurrences Are Necessarily Determined Entirely By The State Of All Things In The Moment Preceding.
I have just gloriously demonstrated my immense capacity for distraction. There are so many things to do think about and learn, which are equally inspiring to me, that I cannot begin to focus on ten, much less dedicate my life to one.
According to a book I began reading and never finished, entitled Aquarius Now, I do not commit to any one pursuit because I am afraid that I will succeed to the point of alienating others. That isn't how I think. My avoidance of commitment is in most situations simply an avoidance of a level of dedication that would seriously jeopardize my freedom to pursue what inspires me most at a given moment.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Shitluck
Luck is a kid jumping off a swing at the height of its curve and a forty-year-old folding a pair to rags. There seems to be a point in most people's lives at which it no longer feels natural to risk something essential in order to create a moment of perfectly reckless ecstasy. In short, most of us learn that the essentials are the essentials and that those muscle-driven explorations of space and declarations of war on its boundaries must surrender to the brute force of time. We learn that those battles are fought inside time's frame, appearing as a two-dimensional mess of color without meaning to those looking on from outside.
Yesterday, I noticed I was driving forty mph on the freeway. It was raining, I was a little sleepy, and I was being paid by the hour. These are good reasons to drive cautiously, which I habitually disregard. Is it time for me to begin paying life insurance out of my experiential bankroll?
A half hour ago, in the rain, my truck fishtailed, ran off a freeway onramp, and almost tipped. I got out of the truck and checked the damage. The woman in the car behind me pulled over and asked me why I was laughing.
There is a reason that these moments are moments and nothing else. They are framed in time for the same reason a picture is framed in space. If these tangles of intensity were not contained and set apart from the rest of our lives, they would bleed through time, diluted by the slow dull hours from 9-5 and the fast dark hours from sleep to rise. Constraint creates concentrated energy.
A moment being a point in time as a particle is a point in space, it is interesting that the more specifically defined in time a moment is, the more extreme the experience of it usually is. When we consider our experience of last year, it was always much less intense than our experience of the most powerful moment of the year. The more a moment is restricted in time, framed, defined as separate from the rest of time, the more energy that moment must hold. If it is not framed in time, its energy is lost to the automatic averaging of extreme highs and lows that our minds perform.
FUCK CONCLUSION. FIGURE IT OUT.
Yesterday, I noticed I was driving forty mph on the freeway. It was raining, I was a little sleepy, and I was being paid by the hour. These are good reasons to drive cautiously, which I habitually disregard. Is it time for me to begin paying life insurance out of my experiential bankroll?
A half hour ago, in the rain, my truck fishtailed, ran off a freeway onramp, and almost tipped. I got out of the truck and checked the damage. The woman in the car behind me pulled over and asked me why I was laughing.
There is a reason that these moments are moments and nothing else. They are framed in time for the same reason a picture is framed in space. If these tangles of intensity were not contained and set apart from the rest of our lives, they would bleed through time, diluted by the slow dull hours from 9-5 and the fast dark hours from sleep to rise. Constraint creates concentrated energy.
A moment being a point in time as a particle is a point in space, it is interesting that the more specifically defined in time a moment is, the more extreme the experience of it usually is. When we consider our experience of last year, it was always much less intense than our experience of the most powerful moment of the year. The more a moment is restricted in time, framed, defined as separate from the rest of time, the more energy that moment must hold. If it is not framed in time, its energy is lost to the automatic averaging of extreme highs and lows that our minds perform.
FUCK CONCLUSION. FIGURE IT OUT.
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